Lychee's and Cynics.

I am much like a lychee. On the outside I'm a tad cynical, a tad hard...but not too hard...a little firm maybe. I can be a bit cold. But if there's one thing I'm not it's breakable. No matter how hard you throw a lychee against the cold brick wall of life, it won't crack.
However, ironically, it does not take long to scratch beneath the exterior and discover the layer of sensitivity, softness and tenderness. Then if you dig below that layer you find a very grounded and unbreakable person again. The pip, the seed. The firm core of values and beliefs. The spirit that is in touch with the earth and will not change even in a thousand years.

The ramblings of a train ride:
Detach vs Attach?
Detachment's eye's too critical and unfavourable.
The lighting is too cold and unforgiving on the stage of cynics.
Why have a harsh view of the world? Why be immersed in such a
corrupt emotion?
Indeed some may perceive it to be rationality and reason-
But why not uncruel and uncorrupt, non-judgemental love?
A generous friend this feeling is. It showers one with irreplaceable
warmth and let's us see the beauty, the creativity.
And so, logic and reason would have love as the better option?
Happy vs Unhappy.
...I give into love's sweet breath, like a dove who gives into the hunter's
sweet death...

About a Boy

If someone were to ask me, "If there was something you could talk about non-stop forever, what would it be?" I would simply answer "Him".

I am so happy right now, I finally know what it means to be perfectly contented. Money rolling in from two jobs, another short film to be done, another appearance to make, marks more than satisfactory, friends and family harmonized, body issues fading....and yes...him.

I don't care what you call it "lust", "love", I have realised that it really doesn't matter, its just how you feel right now that counts. You can't place it under some pretentious social label, you can't analyse it or criticize it. It just is. And that's what I love about it. The fact that I can just feel for once.

I'm the type of person to over-analyse everthing under the sun, especially when it comes to my intimate feelings, always backtracking and wondering if it feels 'right' or if its too much for the person, basically trying to morph my feelings to match the other persons. It really doesn't work. So I decided to take a risk and go for it, just feel and live in the moment without checking to see whether it was right or whether it was wrong.

...It works. Utterly and completely. I am happy and discovering many amazing things about, not only myself, but another human being, in the most lovely, beautiful way. Call me an over-romantic, love-sick girl. Meh, I'll just call you a cynic. ^_^

Throw your hands up.

Dancing around the room makes me feel alive....

So there's this bug that keeps on flying onto my screen. I am so annoyed right now. Just when you think you've killed it BAM it strikes again with more aggression. It never learns it's lesson it just keeps on pursuing the light. That persistent bug. Now this bug scenario, as random and as common as it is, reminds me of a similar situation. A persistent, annoying thought that keeps on coming back. I think it will always be there. No matter how hard I try, I can't fight it, I'll never truly be happy, truly self contented.

A wavering self-confidence I can be as high as a kite and as low as the molten rock within the earth's crust. With this also comes a failed self-image. Body issues. It strikes again. Maybe I am selfish as some people have called me...and this whole thing is just some self absorbed stage, whatever it is, it's based on my perception of what other people see...

I don't understand how people can be truly contented.

Personal Legend of Sorts

One day I went and sat on a bench, the echo of the light at my feet. The trees conspiring a magical force around me. I realized I was in love with the world, I had missed the imagination. A ghost was calling my name from beyond time and the laws of physics and suddenly I realized my personal legend.

So recently, after returning from a fantastic acting camp, I have found myself again. And in a world filled with conspiracy and mistrust its easy to lose yourself in the events that get you down. So I was questioning prior to camp, my love of acting. Yes I want to be an actress, I've always wanted to be one ever since I could remember...Performing is magic to me, I'm in another zone in this alternate reality. It really is amazing and I love it. However, social pressures, career pressures and money pressures were obviously making myself not only doubt my ability but question if this really is the path for myself...

But the magic that one of my teachers taught on camp from the book "The Alchemist" and how it can be used as an analogy of life, made me realize. No...this is my path...I'm on the right path...And you know how I know it? You know how you could possibly find yours? Just ask: "Does this make me shine best? Does it make me happy?" And then feel, your body will reply to your answers...I had butterflies in my stomach...It's not the thing that you neeeed or yeeeearrrnnnn for, but simply the thing that makes you happiest. And I've come to concur that performing stage or film, is where I'm happiest. Giving the gift of entertainment through voice, movement and emotions.

There's always going to be someone better...but that still doesn't mean I can't shine as well.